Waiting on My Own Metamorphosis

Changes - I look always for a change. I look for changes in others, in their attitudes to life, to me; any difference big or small, I try to pick up. I search for changes within myself, find them everyday, though of a more repetitive variety. I will switch back to a point of view or “way of life” I’ve had previously, only to soon read or hear something, come to a conclusion or realization that will put me back on the other side. Just how it works (life, I mean.)

And then we come to the real human changes - after self-realization where one can do nothing but see all the world, and their past, and their future, in an entirely new, shining light. Their present is a fleeting limbo, a time to set in place the preparations for undertaking a new path. Such self-realization may come in the form of an epiphany, or a certain sudden “enlightenment”, either of which may be caused by a brush with death, a brush with LIFE itself, which might further bring about strong religious or simply a spiritual feeling and insight, hence the strongest form of epiphany or enlightenment.

It is through these changes in how we see life (changing once we have found our true purpose and dreams in life) that we make changes to how we perceive things, how we treat others and ourselves, and how we ultimately live. We want to be better … and here we transform, find ourselves in metamorphosis. What we once were remains, I think, because without our past acquaintances and experiences and feelings, every single one of which contributes to this lead-up, we would become something very different. As we turn slowly into another form of ourselves, perhaps realising our true selves, emerging from the chrysalis and find our purpose, we blossom, perhaps into that which we once hated, envied, or never even knew existed. Life, with all it’s constant renewal, now has a new meaning for us, just as it has a new meaning itself.

As I try to find my particular purpose in life, or wait for Life to show me the way, I wonder about all this. I do realize that I can’t force an epiphany, an enlightenment. The difficulty lies in limbo - waiting for the new era of my life to begin - being with my love, higher education, pursuit of some career, etc. as I wait for this next bit I feel I am missing something, that because those aspects are yet unfulfilled I am in LIMBO, and I need a change pronto.

Yes, I look eternally for change, just so I can claw my way out of this feeling that life is out of my hands, determined by factors which are bigger than myself.

By searching for such life-changing occurrences, on any level, I seem to chase them away; I realize this. Understand that I am becoming desperate.

That saying, that if you want something, go get it, with your own hands. I only wish that could apply in my circumstances, because I’m impatient by nature, always need to be doing something. Still, there is truly nothing more I can do but wait right now, until the right way path becomes clear … if I think about it logically, that’s the best one can do in such situations.

The fact is, I’m feeling introspective, looking to myself for answers and I come up short always. I yearn more than anything for a deeper meaning to my existence. I know the best thing really is to keep pushing through life, working and doing all I can for the few joys I truly need and want … change will come in it’s own way, in it’s own time, when I let it rather than chase it, and who knows - it might not even be for the better of my life! And yet it would be for the better of myself, because it’s what evolves me as a human.

Take Responsibility.

I'm firmly under the belief that the majority of our personality is formed during our childhood based on our personal experiences. This can be anything from relationships, activities, toys, cartoons, etc. The point is, I believe that what makes us who we are is absorbed at a very young age. When we're born, our mind is essentially a 'tabula rasa' or blank slate, and that as we mature, this slate starts filling up with experiences which will later dictate your outlook into the world, as well as your views of yourself. However, obviously our minds are not completely blank when born, because we feel basic instincts from the minute we're born to the second we die.

Whether or not you agree that the mind is semi-blank at birth, most people can agree that the mind is a creation of combined forces. Whether these forces be God, your parents, television, nature, whatever, our minds are not the result of one thing, but many.

Instead of this being an awe-inspiring idea, it seems to have encouraged a displacement of responsibility. With post-modernism came with the idea that as humans, who we are is determined in our childhood, so any wrong action we do can be blamed on how we were raised. Now sure, that is partially true. If a child is raped at a young (or even not so young) age, they are much more likely to become a sexual offender themselves. So yes, some traits can be attributed to an outside party, but does that mean that those people don't have to take responsibility for their actions? Not at all.

While your parents may be the reason why you're so afraid of commitment, or why you're too shy, or too outgoing, but you ALWAYS have the option to change that. People are incredibly adaptive creatures, and while change can prove extremely difficult sometimes, it is always possible.

No matter what you're past is, you are the master of your own future. Everything that happens to you from every moment on is your responsibility. Don't spend your life trying to find something to blame all your problems on, and instead try and fix it.

A major part of our existence is taking pride and joy in that existence. What would life be like without the feeling of accomplishment? So instead of worrying about all the shit that's happened that you have no control over, focus on your future where you can do anything you dedicate yourself to.

In life, we're given a box of crayons. You may get the 8 pack, or the 16 pack, or the whole Goddamn 480 color box set, but all that really matters is what you do with the colors you're given. And don't be restricted, color right off the friggin page

Why parents are churning out dumbass kids ...

If parents started on their kids self esteem really young, the kids might have a better chance in life at not being so insecure ....
parents especially in America are not really fit enough in themselves to have kids when you yourself have a low self esteem. This will reflect on the child .....
kids are only as good as their parents are ,and we know that most parents are selfish ....sure you buy the kids things to keep them quiet so you can sit there and indulge in your internet and cell phones ......teaching the kids to love themselves is more important than buying him/her a toy or the latest clothes to look good so your friends can say that you are doing a good job ...
if you have a bad self image your child is going to be the same, he or she is going to copy you its all he or she knows.
As alot of women these days are insecure , deceitful , bitchy ,backstabbing emotional train wrecks, they do not have the mentality to think to change the pattern for their daughters so they end up just like them and grow into bigger bitches and torture Innocent circumcised fools who carry on the trait of life ....and what you are having is generation of low self esteem brats and spoiled kids who only know that materialism buys them ....if the parents are insecure they do not have the mentality to try and change why would they want their child to set a better example than them ? this would make them look like failures ...you know the whole ego thing ....

Just another one of my observations, not aimed specifically at any one individual.

Not only a new year, but a new decade

2010... how awkward to say; not as easy to say '10 as it was '09. Should it be spelled out as in 'two thousand ten' or what? Probably, in the big scheme of things, it just doesn't matter, eh?

I don't make resolutions. Well, let me rephrase that: I don't make a concentrated effort to list a bunch of resolutions that I know I'm not going to keep or probably even work on. I do tend to keep in my mind the things I would like to improve about myself, in addition to relationships with others, and my job.

I've never been big with goal setting. Maybe that's why at my age I'm floundering around. There are two schools of thought on that, one being that things happen as and when they are supposed to and we are masters of our own destiny.

I seem to fall some place in the middle of those.

Maybe the whole failure to write down goals is the fear of failure or could it be an intelligent choice on my part to know I don't need them because of the aforementioned "keep them in my mind" thing? Nah, that's probably just a fluke LOL

It is nice to start off the new year with goals or wishes or hopes; makes it seem like we have a clean slate with none of the past clogging up our dreams.

Since I can't seem to find anything to do to amuse myself in the way of The hobbies that I like to do, I certainly don't have a job yet to keep me busy, maybe my goal should be to blog more often. If I do that, however, I will have to curtail my propensity to "proof" my blogs and risk not liking what I write and trashing the whole thing.

I don't get very many comments, which is probably a good thing because if any of the comments leaned toward criticism, I would probably ditch this in a heartbeat.

So it's decided! I shall write more often and perhaps concentrate more on quality than quantity.

Don't touch that dial! We'll be back to our regularly scheduled program.... Oops, wrong venue :)