Waiting on My Own Metamorphosis

Changes - I look always for a change. I look for changes in others, in their attitudes to life, to me; any difference big or small, I try to pick up. I search for changes within myself, find them everyday, though of a more repetitive variety. I will switch back to a point of view or “way of life” I’ve had previously, only to soon read or hear something, come to a conclusion or realization that will put me back on the other side. Just how it works (life, I mean.)

And then we come to the real human changes - after self-realization where one can do nothing but see all the world, and their past, and their future, in an entirely new, shining light. Their present is a fleeting limbo, a time to set in place the preparations for undertaking a new path. Such self-realization may come in the form of an epiphany, or a certain sudden “enlightenment”, either of which may be caused by a brush with death, a brush with LIFE itself, which might further bring about strong religious or simply a spiritual feeling and insight, hence the strongest form of epiphany or enlightenment.

It is through these changes in how we see life (changing once we have found our true purpose and dreams in life) that we make changes to how we perceive things, how we treat others and ourselves, and how we ultimately live. We want to be better … and here we transform, find ourselves in metamorphosis. What we once were remains, I think, because without our past acquaintances and experiences and feelings, every single one of which contributes to this lead-up, we would become something very different. As we turn slowly into another form of ourselves, perhaps realising our true selves, emerging from the chrysalis and find our purpose, we blossom, perhaps into that which we once hated, envied, or never even knew existed. Life, with all it’s constant renewal, now has a new meaning for us, just as it has a new meaning itself.

As I try to find my particular purpose in life, or wait for Life to show me the way, I wonder about all this. I do realize that I can’t force an epiphany, an enlightenment. The difficulty lies in limbo - waiting for the new era of my life to begin - being with my love, higher education, pursuit of some career, etc. as I wait for this next bit I feel I am missing something, that because those aspects are yet unfulfilled I am in LIMBO, and I need a change pronto.

Yes, I look eternally for change, just so I can claw my way out of this feeling that life is out of my hands, determined by factors which are bigger than myself.

By searching for such life-changing occurrences, on any level, I seem to chase them away; I realize this. Understand that I am becoming desperate.

That saying, that if you want something, go get it, with your own hands. I only wish that could apply in my circumstances, because I’m impatient by nature, always need to be doing something. Still, there is truly nothing more I can do but wait right now, until the right way path becomes clear … if I think about it logically, that’s the best one can do in such situations.

The fact is, I’m feeling introspective, looking to myself for answers and I come up short always. I yearn more than anything for a deeper meaning to my existence. I know the best thing really is to keep pushing through life, working and doing all I can for the few joys I truly need and want … change will come in it’s own way, in it’s own time, when I let it rather than chase it, and who knows - it might not even be for the better of my life! And yet it would be for the better of myself, because it’s what evolves me as a human.